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Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal
CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses.
Categories: Entertainment
Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Strasburg
After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good?
Categories: Entertainment
Sportsgraphic: Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career
Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.
Categories: Entertainment
Magazine: Are Physical Events Truly Individuated On The Basis Of Spatio-Temporal Localization, Or Is This Merely A Convenient Ontological Mode Of Evading The Influence Of Causal Powers?
Categories: Entertainment
In Focus: World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents.
Categories: Entertainment
New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion
PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
Categories: Entertainment
American Voices: Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing
The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.
Categories: Entertainment
Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down
TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any...
Categories: Entertainment
[audio] Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations
Categories: Entertainment
In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand
LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.
Categories: Entertainment
Opinion: If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home (by Jeff Kunstler)
Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?
Categories: Entertainment
Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up
ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.
Categories: Entertainment
American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult
At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.
Categories: Entertainment
Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.
Categories: Entertainment
In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac
BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.
Categories: Entertainment
Letters To The Editor: Color Blind
Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI
Categories: Entertainment
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